Saturday, July 14, 2018

Lost, But Hopefully Found

Friends, this is a hard post to write.  I've actually written it several times and then deleted it.  For the past two years I have been struggling.  My life has been full of anxiety and I feel stress and overwhelm by everything. 

I do want to say up front that none of this stems from marital problems!  I have to put that out there because I know that many will automatically think that is the issue.  No, no, no! 

In the past I had a moment here and there like this but had always been able to work through it.  In the last six months it has come to the point where I pretty much just don't care.  I have been going through the motions, yet I find no joy.  It makes me super sad as I have always found joy in the simple, ordinary things.  Honestly,  I generally have a huge love for life.  I think that is the hardest thing about the whole issue.  I have a great life and it's hard to understand why it isn't giving me joy. 

A couple of weeks ago I told Chuck that I was going to speak with my doctor.  In typical Chuck manner he said okay and gave me a slight pat on the back as we walked to the house.  I was like really!  I know my guy and he has to process things.  Later that evening we talked for a really long time. 

He knew that I had been off some, but thought that it was due to a busier than usual schedule.  I hid it well as he had no idea how bad it had become.  You know that saying, "fake it 'til you make it."  Well, that was me.  It has been getting harder to fake it. 

It is having an impact on the social aspects of my life.  For Mother's Day we were suppose to go to Chucks' grandmothers for a family gathering.  I hemmed and hawed around about not going saying stupid things like I wanted "my" day to spent at home.  The truth was I didn't feel like I could go.  We finally went and I was ready to leave as soon as we arrived.  I love his family and this hadn't been the case in the past.

I am not a huge fan of driving, but it has gotten worse.  I am fine in my little area.  When I leave that comfort zone into places unfamiliar I panic big time.

I have barely made dinner since we returned from the beach.  We have eaten out so much that my family is sick of it.  I actually took a peek at the menu in my pantry and it's from April!

I won't even begin to tell you the state of my home!  Although Chuck assures me it isn't as bad I keep saying.  Ha!

I am generally an avid reader.  I've read two books this year.  I just don't have the desire to pick up a book. 

The anxiety comes out of no where.  I can be at home and have a horrible feeling of anxiety.  No reason that I can see at that moment. 

Probably the worst of everything is church.  We haven't been to church since April.  (See a theme, April must have been the final straw for some reason.)  Oh church, what can I say.  We still haven't found a home church.  I'm sure that isn't helping matters.  I keep saying we need to find a church.  Chuck agrees, yet I can't get up and go.  I start having anxiety issues Saturday afternoon and then Sunday morning I can't get up and go.  I'm generally fine once the service starts, but getting myself up and there has become a huge issue.  I know, I know. 

I went to my normally scheduled doctors appointment and spilled it all.  I have been seeing this doctor for years and he actually attended our former church.  He listened and listened, asked me a bunch of questions and advised me.  He is a compassionate, gentle man.  I was back in the exam room with him for almost a hour. I didn't like everything he had to say, but it needed to be said.  He was kind.  He talked about my spiritual life and how Satan will use this issue to keep me from church today, tomorrow and then eventually forever.  He also told me that it isn't all about me since my family doesn't go to church without me.   Let me assure you all that I haven't lost my faith. 

He advised me to get up and do things even if I don't feel like I can or want to.  Such as making dinner or going to church.  Then he suggested that I try a low dose medication. 

Then my doctor did something that moved me to tears.  He asked if he could pray for me.  I was choked up as I thanked him.  Then he made me laugh as he paused before he left the room and said, "Wendi, I think you're salvageable." 

For the first time in a long time I felt that someone other then Chuck or my close family cared for me.  You see, I tried to talk to someone about this maybe a year ago.  I told her how stressed out I was feeling and her response in a sharp tone was, "What do you have to be stressed out about."  I didn't say anything else about it to anyone until I knew I could no longer handle this myself.  I've felt very alone. Many times I feel like I'm reaching out for friendship and it never happens.
So I've started medication.  I want to love this life that I've been blessed with.  I want to feel the joy that I use to.  I really, really do.  I want to go to church, family functions, make friends and enjoy it all without faking anything. 

I shared all of this to ask for prayer, if you are so inclined, and to let you know that I am stepping away from my blog for a while.  As my doctor advised I need to get up and do things.  So that, my friends, is what I am going to do.   This is not good-bye.  I'll be putting one foot in front of the other, praying deeply, and working to love my life and find my joy!  I'll be back!!!

Thank you all for the encouragement you have given me again and again.

Wendi




22 comments:

  1. Awww hugs to you sweet friend. I will be praying for you. Take it all to Jesus and seek him for your JOY. He loves you and cares about you. So, do I Wendi take care of your-self. Email me friend I am here for you.

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  2. I can totally relate with the anxiety issues. In the past few years any time I step outside of my routine, my comfort zone, I will have anxiety about it for days before it happens. Once I'm actually doing it, I feel silly, because I find myself being glad I went.

    Hugs and prayers for you, and know you're not in this alone.

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  3. Lots of prayers for you and also your family. I know it must have taken a lot of courage to seek help and also to put this on your blog. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Although we haven't met, I feel as though we are personal friends and I really hope your JOY returns soon. I feel certain it will!! You've taken that first hard step. Wishing you inner peace and joy and looking ahead to when you return to your blog!!

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  4. I'd like to email you, Wendi. Is your email address still the AOL one I have from years ago?

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    1. Carrie, I was going to send you an email but your email didn't work for me. Yes, I have the same AOL address.

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    2. OK, sounds good. I will write you later today!

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  5. I have been reading through your blog for several months now and have commented to my husband several times that we have such similar lives. From our daughters adopted from China (mine is 13), to our lifestyles and love of being at home. Then I was blown away by your most recent post, as I too suffered anxiety, lost my joy for everything, and became depressed about 5 years ago. I share this with you because I want you to know that after counseling and medication I am back to loving my life and in the midst of it it didn’t seem like I ever would again. Take care of yourself and give yourself time for the medication to work. I will pray for you and look forward to the day you report that you are feeling better. I enjoy your blog so much.

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  6. I've been enjoying your blog for quite a while now. You will be in my prayers. I'm glad you found such a caring doctor. I pray you will feel better soon. I hope you will find time and feel up to posting once in a while (or more) to let us know how you are doing. Take care.

    Susie D.

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  7. I will be praying for you. (I just finished writing a post about my daughter who has depression.) I know the Lord will walk with you through this process.

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  8. Praying for you, Wendi! Thank you for sharing with us. I'm grateful you have a doctor that not only prescribes but speaks truth. That is a blessing.

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  9. You are not alone. Lots of us have been where you are right now. Your post put knots in my stomach, because I could totally relate to where you are. I have been on medication for years and there is nothing wrong with having to take medication to feel like yourself again. Take your time, do what your doctor says, get AWAY from the computer and social media... you WILL feel better again. ((hugs))

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  10. I am so sorry this has been going on in your life. Satan works so hard to steal our joy. Stay strong in the Lord, dear sister. He has already fought won the battle for you. Praying for you.

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  11. What a hard thing to go through. I have been there too, and I understand very well how it feels to recognize that your life is good and you should be enjoying it, but you just don't have that genuine feeling of joy. My husband has suffered from depression since his childhood, so he recognized it in me immediately, and his advice was the same as your doctor's: to just make myself get up and do things, even though it's hard. He also advised me to break out of my routine, and I vividly remember the day I strapped my kids and the child I babysat in the car and went on a long drive and finally felt a happy feeling as I enjoyed the beautiful scenery and turned up the radio. I hope you reach that point soon, and until then, just get through it and have faith that the fog will lift on its own in due time.

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  12. Oh Wendi... I'm so glad I stopped by today. I haven't read other's comments - so I have no idea what other's have shared... but friend, I can relate. I have been here before. I truly can understand. I am grateful that I haven't ever gone a medication route (that is another story for another time as to why not -EVER!!) but I will say that, for me,by going a more natural route with supplements and Probiotics (not just any kind) - has CHANGED my life!!!

    One thing is true!! Acknowledging your situation and being willing and wanting to comeback, to "change", is HUGE!! I applaud you. I will be praying for you!! You are loved. You have been and in a hard place. You feel like this is deep waters. But, Jesus "rescues" even there and his love is deeper still. Oh, I will be praying... cling to HIM!!!!!

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  13. Hey, anxiety queen here, but you may wear my crown. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can say I have wallowed in those waters many a time. You are loved, you are important. You are child of god and a remarkable one at that. What can I do to help you? Take the meds my friend and be grateful, you will come out of this. Hugs, prayers and love your way

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  14. I'm an avid blog reader of yours Wendi... I have been since 2011, I just want you to know ME TOO!!! Just now kind of on the other side of that... I absolutely understand what you are going through. I will be praying for you, and I just want you to know that you WILL see the other side. There will definitely be joy again. I literally had to take a spiral notebook, and EVERY DAY, start writing down things I was thankful for. I know it seems elementary, and kind of cliche, but it worked for me. Sometimes it's the most ridiculous stuff, like, "I'm thankful I didn't die today", or "I'm thankful for my cat".... but it Re-trains our brains. It forced me to start watching for blessings, little or big, because I knew the next day I would be having to write. Before long, I felt a shift in my being. I also posted Philippians 4:4-9 ALL OVER MY HOUSE. On my fridge, on my mirror, in my car, in my Bible... EVERYWHERE. It's a PRESCRIPTION from God for our minds. He wouldn't have given it to us if we didn't need it sometimes, so there is NO shame sister. None. I'm here if you need to talk, ALLLL the way in Texas =) LOVE YOU!
    P.S. I tried to post this on Instagram,and accidentally unfriended myself when I tried to find where to message you... I'm sorry... I friended you again. I'm kind of a goober. ♥♥♥

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  15. ((((((HUGS)))))) Wendi. I can so relate to what you have been feeling. I went through the same thing and broke down in tears several times in my doctor's office. I finally agreed to take a low dose anti anxiety medication and it has made a world of difference for me and I pray it does for you too. Praying for you my friend.

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  16. Wendy, I am sorry your going thru this. I have enjoyed reading your blog for a while. First of all remember, your not alone. Many women go through depression.


    Our bodies go thru changes throughout our lives. They cause physical and mental issues. You took the first step,asked for help. You have some great things going for you. A loving husband and daughter a beautiful home,your faith in God. I will pray for you. I understand reaching out for friendship and not achieving it. I live in a rural area,it's difficult. But your reaching out here and people are responding to you. Remember sweetie, your going through a season. All seasons pass,your not alone. We are all here. Praying for you.

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  17. I think God sent you to that doctor....such good advice! Exactly! I heard once, that if Satan can't get us by the usual sins, he works at taking away our hope. I will say a prayer for you right now. On a more routine note, it could also be "egged on" by your age and can be normal to an extent. Regardless of how you feel, keep up your faith. Faith is not a feeling but a gift from God and you obviously have it; fortitude will weather you through this storm. Andrea

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  18. just wondering how you are... praying for you!

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  19. I am so sorry you are going thru this. I went thru something like this in my early 30's. Church was very hard for me too. Getting there was 3/4 of the battle. I was worried something was going to happen or I would need to leave early and everyone would see. I wanted everyone to think everything was good. But it wasn't. Like you my husband was great. People will question your life. It's not there business and you don't owe them explanations. Some days are hard, some days are really hard and some days are OK. It does get better. I took meds for 8 years. They did help. Driving was hard. Crowds were almost impossible. But I made myself go for myself and my kids. I am 44 and doing really well. looking back I now realize we were having financial issues and I was over committing myself to school and church activities. We are much better off now financially and I say no to some activities. We are sending you lots of prayers and hugs. Also Vitamin D really helped me. Talk to your doctor about it. When I would miss a few days on it I would notice my mood drop. Good luck.

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  20. I'm praying for you. You are not alone.

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