Friends, this is a hard post to write. I've actually written it several times and then deleted it. For the past two years I have been struggling. My life has been full of anxiety and I feel stress and overwhelm by everything.
I do want to say up front that none of this stems from marital problems! I have to put that out there because I know that many will automatically think that is the issue. No, no, no!
In the past I had a moment here and there like this but had always been able to work through it. In the last six months it has come to the point where I pretty much just don't care. I have been going through the motions, yet I find no joy. It makes me super sad as I have always found joy in the simple, ordinary things. Honestly, I generally have a huge love for life. I think that is the hardest thing about the whole issue. I have a great life and it's hard to understand why it isn't giving me joy.
A couple of weeks ago I told Chuck that I was going to speak with my doctor. In typical Chuck manner he said okay and gave me a slight pat on the back as we walked to the house. I was like really! I know my guy and he has to process things. Later that evening we talked for a really long time.
He knew that I had been off some, but thought that it was due to a busier than usual schedule. I hid it well as he had no idea how bad it had become. You know that saying, "fake it 'til you make it." Well, that was me. It has been getting harder to fake it.
It is having an impact on the social aspects of my life. For Mother's Day we were suppose to go to Chucks' grandmothers for a family gathering. I hemmed and hawed around about not going saying stupid things like I wanted "my" day to spent at home. The truth was I didn't feel like I could go. We finally went and I was ready to leave as soon as we arrived. I love his family and this hadn't been the case in the past.
I am not a huge fan of driving, but it has gotten worse. I am fine in my little area. When I leave that comfort zone into places unfamiliar I panic big time.
I have barely made dinner since we returned from the beach. We have eaten out so much that my family is sick of it. I actually took a peek at the menu in my pantry and it's from April!
I won't even begin to tell you the state of my home! Although Chuck assures me it isn't as bad I keep saying. Ha!
I am generally an avid reader. I've read two books this year. I just don't have the desire to pick up a book.
The anxiety comes out of no where. I can be at home and have a horrible feeling of anxiety. No reason that I can see at that moment.
Probably the worst of everything is church. We haven't been to church since April. (See a theme, April must have been the final straw for some reason.) Oh church, what can I say. We still haven't found a home church. I'm sure that isn't helping matters. I keep saying we need to find a church. Chuck agrees, yet I can't get up and go. I start having anxiety issues Saturday afternoon and then Sunday morning I can't get up and go. I'm generally fine once the service starts, but getting myself up and there has become a huge issue. I know, I know.
I went to my normally scheduled doctors appointment and spilled it all. I have been seeing this doctor for years and he actually attended our former church. He listened and listened, asked me a bunch of questions and advised me. He is a compassionate, gentle man. I was back in the exam room with him for almost a hour. I didn't like everything he had to say, but it needed to be said. He was kind. He talked about my spiritual life and how Satan will use this issue to keep me from church today, tomorrow and then eventually forever. He also told me that it isn't all about me since my family doesn't go to church without me. Let me assure you all that I haven't lost my faith.
He advised me to get up and do things even if I don't feel like I can or want to. Such as making dinner or going to church. Then he suggested that I try a low dose medication.
Then my doctor did something that moved me to tears. He asked if he could pray for me. I was choked up as I thanked him. Then he made me laugh as he paused before he left the room and said, "Wendi, I think you're salvageable."
For the first time in a long time I felt that someone other then Chuck or my close family cared for me. You see, I tried to talk to someone about this maybe a year ago. I told her how stressed out I was feeling and her response in a sharp tone was, "What do you have to be stressed out about." I didn't say anything else about it to anyone until I knew I could no longer handle this myself. I've felt very alone. Many times I feel like I'm reaching out for friendship and it never happens.
I shared all of this to ask for prayer, if you are so inclined, and to let you know that I am stepping away from my blog for a while. As my doctor advised I need to get up and do things. So that, my friends, is what I am going to do. This is not good-bye. I'll be putting one foot in front of the other, praying deeply, and working to love my life and find my joy! I'll be back!!!
Thank you all for the encouragement you have given me again and again.